Speed Bump

I wrote a song not long ago. It's called "Heart's Cry." It's been a while and it felt good.

This song came out of a lot of different, tough circumstances in my life over the last several months. I debated whether or not to post about it, and once again came to the conclusion that this is my blog and intended to serve as a sort of chronicling of where my family and I are and where we are going. The bumps along the way are part of that story. So, CAUTION!! Speed bump ahead!

When I moved here, I developed several relationships pretty quickly. I felt so lucky, because in the two weeks before I made friends I felt so lonely and depressed. I am not the kind of person who likes to sit and wallow, so I kept my kids busy doing 'stuff' and I stayed busy unpacking and taking care of business. Once we made these friends, all that changed, we moved from the isolated state into the settling in state. I began exercising with some ladies, sharing some of my thoughts and hobbies with them. You know, the surface stuff you share before you really dive into a relationship. [Side note: It seems so much scarier as an adult to make friends somehow!] The summer wrapped up in a blur of birthday parties, swimming, and playtime with neighbors. I remember feeling so warm and content one afternoon by the pool, when one of my new friends said, "I feel so blessed to have you in my life. I've only known you for a short while, and you are one of my best friends!" I smiled a thousand watt smile that day.

Once school started, all those relationships had to take second place to the business of order, and structure, and school work. So I'm not really sure when it happened, but I began to notice a good bit of distance myself and that friend.

After trying to get the bottom of it several times, it finally came out that she was offended at how I had handled a situation involving one of her children. I'm not gonna go into any of that, but let me just say that I am learning some things the hard way. I don't want to live my life with a fortress of walls around me, but I'm learning that some barriers are good.

It had taken a lot of tears and prayers to see both sides of this circumstance. And I feel like, at 33, it is well past time to move past impulse reactions and hurtful words... and really dive into what got me into the situation and what I can learn from it to avoid anything like this in the future.

I wish I could say, 100%... "This was not my fault! I didn't do anything wrong!" But that is not, and probably will rarely ever be the case. I'm a human... I fail. I think, it's how I handle the failure that determines what kind of person I am. 2 Timothy 4:5 says, "But you, keep your eye on what you're doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God's servant."

Man, I'm finding it hard. Not to be God's servant... but to keep my eye on JUST what I AM doing. To quit looking at others' lives and passing judgement. To be a guardian of my own salvation.

In this time, my tried-and-true, love-me-no-matter-what friends have risen, once again to the occasion. And for that, I am so thankful. And friends I first thought to be surface or acquaintance friends, have been faithful and solid. And for that, I am also thankful.

Thankfully, I feel like my life is settling down after being jostled over this speed bump and that I might just have learned a life lesson about how to adjust for the next one.